Carts, Horses, and the Disarrangement of Same

John Scalzi has a post up about marriage becoming rarer for people with less money. He posits some interesting potential reasons for this change, much of it having to do with the catastrophic economic possibilities that exist when neither partner has health insurance and the gap created by disparities in education.

These are certainly probable causes for people remaining unmarried. There is another one, brought home to me recently as I was surfing around on a few blogs of people younger than I. I read about one young woman who said that she and her fiance couldn't afford to get married. She enumerated the actual reasons: location, flowers, music... and I thought to myself, "It isn't that you can't afford to get married. You can't afford a certain type of wedding." It was as if someone said they couldn't afford housing, and then you realized they meant they didn't have the full purchase price for a starter McMansion.

There is something insidiously tenacious about weddings and the images and aspirations they conjure up. There is, to be sure, a vast commercial machine around weddings, willing to sell you on diamonds, white dresses, a fleet of bridesmaids in matching couture, a plated dinner for a hundred or more of your relatives and friends. It is seductive for many women, thinking of themselves in a beautifully cut dress, the focus of attention for one shining moment. You get to play a role: The Bride. The Bride will look a lot like the woman, but probably thinner, with better makeup, and clear skin. The Bride will have the full package, thank you - the flowers she wants (no filler), the dress she wants (not a knockoff), the dinner she wants (no buffets, thank you), the band she wants in the hall she wants...

Imagine the same person going to a real-estate agent, wanting the starter mansion posited above, when she really only has the means for a one-bedroom condo. Do you think she will live in a cardboard box rather than sacrifice her fantasy of living in her Dream House? Probably not. Reality will intrude, and she will decide that staying warm and dry is the most important thing.

Somehow, though, there is a strange juju in weddings. Some people will sacrifice the marriage, or put it on hold, because they can't afford The Perfect Wedding Day. The party to celebrate the union starts standing in the way of the union itself.

To these people, I have only one thing to say: those who elope to City Hall on their lunch hour are no less married than those who get their Big Day.

Posted: Monday - March 05, 2007 at 07:16 AM | |